


Back To December

by malecnificenttyrus11



Category: Andi Mack - Fandom
Genre: Andi Mack - Freeform, Angst, Back to December, Cyrus Goodman(mentioned) - Freeform, Jonah Beck - Freeform, T.J. Kippen - Freeform, T.J. Kippen Perspective, Tonah Backstory, Tonah(Friendship)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-07
Updated: 2019-01-07
Packaged: 2019-10-06 03:31:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17337791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/malecnificenttyrus11/pseuds/malecnificenttyrus11
Summary: This is the backstory of the friendship between T.J. Kippen and Jonah Beck, written mainly from T.J.’s perspective. It is written based on the song “Back To December” by Taylor Swift. Basically, T.J. is forced to reminisce on his friendship with Jonah following the confrontation at Cyrus’ house...and the guilt and regret starts hitting him again.[Note: this is just a theory fic]





	Back To December

TJ lay in his room, staring up at the ceiling. Just earlier, he’d had a confrontation with Jonah Beck...his childhood best friend. This made TJ realize just how bad he’d messed things up between them...which is why he was laying here, unable to sleep. His mind was spinning...he thought about their friendship.

“I'm so glad you made time to see me.  
How's life? Tell me how's your family?  
I haven't seen them in a while.”

TJ and Jonah were best friends when they were little. It started in elementary school...they were inseparable. They did everything together, and Jonah’s family had been just like a family to TJ...since his was dysfunctional. He thought about them from time to time...wondering how they were...or if they hated him.

“You've been good, busier than ever.  
We small-talk, work and the weather.  
Your guard is up and I know why.”

TJ has never been able to bring himself to open the wound he’d created years ago. Jonah had seemed happier since TJ left his life...busy with the Frisbee team, and his new group of supportive friends...that including Cyrus. But, TJ understood why Jonah didn’t want to be around him...he wouldn’t want to be around himself either.

“Because the last time you saw me is still burned in the back of your mind.  
You gave me roses and I left them there to die.”

When Jonah stormed out of Cyrus’ house, TJ immediately knew that he hadn’t forgotten how things went down between them. The sight of TJ alone hit a nerve with Jonah. Jonah had tried to be there for TJ for the longest time...but TJ shut him out.

“So this is me swallowing my pride,  
Standing in front of you, saying, "I'm sorry for that night,"  
And I go back to December all the time.”

It was December when TJ realized that he was different from the other boys his age. He wasn’t interested in talking about girls, or dating girls. He spent nearly all his time with Jonah. When Jonah would smile at him, TJ would blush. If Jonah hugged him, his heart would race. TJ was terrified and confused...so he decided to shut Jonah out.

“It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you.  
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine.  
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right.  
I go back to December all the time.”

TJ thought he’d be free of that feeling he felt around Jonah once he cut him out...but it turns out he felt that way around many boys. And that’s when it clicked...he was gay. And the guilt of cutting Jonah out started to tear him apart. Jonah was the first real friend he’d ever had...and if he could go back...he would never have pushed Jonah away. Because before Cyrus came around, Jonah was the only person that really cared about TJ. 

TJ constantly brought himself back to December, and lived in constant regret.

“These days I haven't been sleeping,  
Staying up, playing back myself leavin'.  
When your birthday passed and I didn't call.”

Avoiding Jonah started out small...just making excuses not to hangout, or not replying to calls or texts. Eventually, Jonah had noticed something was up, and confronted TJ.

It was the day before Jonah’s birthday when Jonah begged TJ to tell him what he did wrong. TJ didn’t even look him in the eye, just told him “We can’t be friends anymore, Jonah.” And walked away, too scared to see the crushed look on Jonah’s face. The next day, he sealed his fate when he didn’t call Jonah for his birthday...like he did every year.

“And I think about summer, all the beautiful times,  
I watched you laughing from the passenger side.  
And realized I loved you in the fall.”

TJ sighed, eyes scanning his room when they landed on one photo...sitting on his bulletin board that he never had the heart to take down...like he did with the others. It was him and Jonah when they were younger, at Summer Camp. The two boys were hugging, grinning at the camera.

Every Summer, Jonah’s parents would take the pair to Sleep-away Camp, and TJ remembered it being the highlight of his entire year. TJ would watch Jonah talking away with his mom in the front seat of the car, and would blush.

The fall after their last Camp together as friends, he realized that he liked Jonah more than a friend would like their friend...but it confused him.

“And then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind  
You gave me all your love and all I gave you was "Goodbye".”

Once TJ realized that he was, indeed, gay...he was terrified of what would happen. Would his friends stop talking to him? Would people think he and Jonah were boyfriends because Jonah was so close with a gay kid? 

He already knew that his father would be less than thrilled about the news that his son was gay. He was a big macho-man who wanted his son to be the straight, masculine basketball star...he’d forced this on TJ from the time he could walk. And if TJ crushed that imagine his father established...his father would probably beat the crap out of him.

He thought that by cutting Jonah out...he’d be able to erase his ‘abnormal feelings’ and focus on basketball.

“So this is me swallowing my pride,  
Standing in front of you, saying, "I'm sorry for that night."  
And I go back to December all the time.”

Once TJ had met Cyrus, he finally felt comfortable opening up to someone for the first time since he lost his friendship with Jonah. And for awhile...TJ was able to live his life without constantly feeling guilt at the sight of Jonah Beck.

“It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you.  
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine.  
I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind.  
I go back to December all the time.”

And then...TJ realized that Cyrus and Jonah had been close friends. He was so relieved that Jonah had someone like Cyrus around to support him, but deep down TJ knew this meant he’d have to be around Jonah fairly often. And he wasn’t sure how to handle it.

At Cyrus’ Bar Mitzvah, he’d saw Jonah having a panic attack, memories of the ones Jonah would have when they were younger flooded his mind, and he ran to him. Jonah didn’t push TJ away, in fact, he begged him to stay. But, TJ couldn’t...it would be too hard. 

And then, he saw Jonah at Cyrus’ house...and put on a brave face. But inside, he was panicking. When Jonah stormed out...the same guilty feeling came back.

Suddenly, TJ would think about December again.

“I miss your tanned skin, your sweet smile.  
So good to me, so right.  
And how you held me in your arms that September night:  
The first time you ever saw me cry.”

TJ remembered the first time Jonah saw him cry. It was a September night...and after holding himself together for too long, he texted Jonah to come over. On his front steps, he broke down into a mess of tears, explaining how his parents had gotten into a fight, and his father left. Jonah wrapped an arm around TJ’s shoulder, offering silent comfort.

Jonah would do this every time TJ needed him. He was always there.

After he ditched Jonah...TJ felt alone. He had acquired new friends from sports...but no one that he could confide in or trust. So...TJ started building a wall...and he hid behind a cold and emotionless exterior. He became exactly who his father wanted him to be.

Without Jonah around to comfort him without judgement...he closed himself off.

“Maybe this is wishful thinking,  
Probably mindless dreaming,  
But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right.”

TJ shook the thoughts from his head, letting out a shaky breath. Was he stupid for having hope that he and Jonah could repair their friendship...that Jonah could forgive him? If he had the chance...he’d be the best friend he could, just like Jonah was to him.

Cyrus had taught him exactly how to do this.

“I'd go back in time and change it but I can't.  
So if the chain is on your door I understand.”

TJ knew deep down that Jonah probably could forgive him...but that their friendship would never be the same. Jonah would always have his guard up with TJ...too scared to repeat the past.

TJ would understand that.

“But this is me swallowing my pride,  
Standing in front of you, saying, "I'm sorry for that night."  
And I go back to December.”

TJ realized that becoming friends with Cyrus gave him the opportunity to apologize to Jonah...hopefully earn his forgiveness. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to even get Jonah to agree to talk to him...but he wanted to try.

“It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you.  
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine.  
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right.  
I'd go back to December, turn around and change my own mind  
I go back to December all the time.  
All the time.”

TJ didn’t trust anyone after he lost Jonah. He figured out too late that he’d made a mistake by cutting Jonah out of his life. He closed himself off...becoming the worst possible version of himself...cold, mean, emotionless. It wasn’t until he met Cyrus that he finally opened up again...trusting someone. Cyrus taught him what friendship was truly about...and when he started developing feelings for Cyrus, he wasn’t scared anymore.

Maybe TJ would have the chance to show Jonah that he’s changed.

This way...his mind wouldn’t always drift back to that December...the December he made one of the worst mistakes of his life.


End file.
